8 months

I met with a woman yesterday who told me to plan on an 8 month job hunt.

8 months.

it's amazing how much of my sense of self worth gets wrapped up in this process.

it's incredible to me that I could be doing this in 7 months.

it's crazy to think about what i used to do for a living, how there were days when I craved intellectual stimulation so bad I could taste it, where I thought if only I had the courage to leave and go to school.

I left. I left somewhat bitter. unhappy that after investing 9+ years into a company, I left without leaving much of an imprint on my colleagues.

And while school satiated my need to buy school supplies and gave me time to breathe and think and change my course, I'm here, plugging away, and unemployed.

Most days I feel like a watering can that was poked with holes, so I spend my time trying to keep water from shooting out from any one hole at any one time.

that metaphor really just means I feel like an asshole most of the time. It's difficult to ask people for things. without feeling needy. and stupid. and pathetic.

I try to care for myself. I try to read interesting things. cook a lot. exercise. I could meditate more.

I'm a boring fuck, really.

some days I don't feel in touch with my surroundings. like I'm wrapped in rubber casing.

other days I feel great. a great conversation, a great spinning class, time with beloveds.

today's not one of those days. yesterday wasn't either.

Apparently it's Motown Friday

Sitting at my 'puter just now (8:40 am) when I hear "She's some kinda wonderful/yes she is" loudly blaring outside my window. For a brief nanosecond I lapse into Lloyd Dobler land and I think maybe, just maybe, AJ is standing outside of our window holding a massive boom box and wearing a trench, playing that song for me "just cuz." obviously I had not finished my coffee yet so a major lapse in judgement was had. oh no, this was a Cambridge WORKS employee driving up to remove the temporary no parking signs from the street because now our new neighboors have moved in. So of course I get up from my chair (coffee in hand) to watch this shit go down. not only is this song BLASTING, but he wants everyone to know about it. the construction men working on the condo next door to me that I'll never afford--he keeps looking at them as he walks everso slowly to remove the ONE lone sign hanging on a post. the slight red haired lady walking in the street instead of on the sidewalk? he looks at her too. he wants to make sure that she knows, as well as the rest of the Cambridge community, that he works FOR the works, dammit and if he wants to play motown so loudly that my windows shake, so be it.