semantics

in the last 2 days I have been referred to as "passive" and "not sophisticated." in both contexts, there was no direct confrontation between myself and another, but it happened rather like this:

my friend, (referring to a group of like-minded friends): "I dunno. we're all pretty passive."
to which I responded, "I'm not passive!" and my friend had to reiterate that her idea of passivity really meant that I was non-confrontational. I think my objection to being called "passive" pretty much refutes her explanation but...

the other one happened today when my career coach told me that she was referring me for a job but did not think another job was appropriate for me because they were looking for someone "sophisticated." now, what she meant was someone who was ready to be some old white guy's right arm and he was apparently a real beast. so the more "sophisticated" in terms of project management experience, the better.

in both cases I am reminded at the importance of semantics and the subjectivity that goes along with interpreting words. I'm also reminded of the fact that lately I feel like crap. I am in a job hunting phase where I am constantly needing to define and prove myself.

this wouldn't feel so insane if I didn't also feel like that's how I'm spending all of my time. it's fucking exhausting and most days lately I just muddle through with some semblance of structure (whatever I can muster for the day).

I try not to let any apparent breakthroughs make me too high, and I try not to take each hit too hard. I'm trying to be somewhere in the middle. and for this non-passive and decidedly-not sophisticated person, that means most days I flounder and flop.