8 months

I met with a woman yesterday who told me to plan on an 8 month job hunt.

8 months.

it's amazing how much of my sense of self worth gets wrapped up in this process.

it's incredible to me that I could be doing this in 7 months.

it's crazy to think about what i used to do for a living, how there were days when I craved intellectual stimulation so bad I could taste it, where I thought if only I had the courage to leave and go to school.

I left. I left somewhat bitter. unhappy that after investing 9+ years into a company, I left without leaving much of an imprint on my colleagues.

And while school satiated my need to buy school supplies and gave me time to breathe and think and change my course, I'm here, plugging away, and unemployed.

Most days I feel like a watering can that was poked with holes, so I spend my time trying to keep water from shooting out from any one hole at any one time.

that metaphor really just means I feel like an asshole most of the time. It's difficult to ask people for things. without feeling needy. and stupid. and pathetic.

I try to care for myself. I try to read interesting things. cook a lot. exercise. I could meditate more.

I'm a boring fuck, really.

some days I don't feel in touch with my surroundings. like I'm wrapped in rubber casing.

other days I feel great. a great conversation, a great spinning class, time with beloveds.

today's not one of those days. yesterday wasn't either.