my list of 100

in Target today.....eager to buy the essentials and non-essentials that (on average) culminate in a $90-$110 charge on my Amazon Visa. Today's was $137 but that was only because I decided to indulge in a bathing suit cover-up for my trip to Tortola. The temptational lure of sun and no Boston for a week produced more excitement than my emotional state could take.

Anyway, I stopped by the magazine aisle because at this Target, it's always empty and I can read my ragazines in peace. I picked up Oprah, as I've been mournfully contemplative and reading about 50 year olds and their dry "va-jay-jays" seemed like it would hit the spot.

To my dismay, there was no such article, but Martha Beck wrote an article about a woman who wrote out a list many years ago of her top 100 qualities she was needed to have in someone she would be with in the future. This woman had been through the ringer--two divorces, and one of them involved manic depression.

She ended up meeting a man who met all but two of the criteria and they had 12 years of bliss together.

While 100 qualities seems a bit excessive, the idea underpinning it all, that we shouldn't settle for just anyone, has been resonating with me all day. And with that, as I wander through the emotional thicket with three (four if you're really counting) men, here's my list:

1. his favorite time of day is twilight
2. he chews like a normal person, without any horrendous sloshing about
3. if he snores, it's gentle and endearing, not chainsaw-like and loud
4. he thinks the female body is incredible, beautiful, and miraculous
5. he is not afraid of a woman pushing a watermelon out of something the size of a grape
6. he is kind to his parents
7. he understands and appreciates that no matter what, the bond I have with Mossy has existed for 30 years longer than my bond with him
8. he is not threatened by the fact that I talk to Mossy 6x a day and she knows everything about me, including how I feel about our sex life
9. he thinks everything I cook is delicious
10. he doesn't call other men "bro"
11. he cries openly
12. he has a good sense of humor about getting older
13. he is financially aware and stable
14. he makes me laugh after 9:31 pm when I am a relative zombie
15. he likes to read the nyt on sundays and drink coffee with me
16. he likes to remark on what he's reading and share passages with me
17. he has a passion for something, preferably music, and preferably the music I like
18. he knows what love feels like
19. he appreciates cute children
20. he appreciates my love for cute children
21. he has lived somewhere 100+ miles from where he grew up in his lifetime
22. he has been to at least 2 other countries besides the US and felt like a cultural outsider
23. he is politically-inclined and eager to analyze our current situation
24. he knows where Darfur is
25. he is left-leaning, if not 100% horizontal
26. he likes sex in the morning
27. he stays in touch with people he has known for at least 15 years
28. he is tidy
29. he holds his own in social situations, even when they're not his friends
30. he thinks I'm smart
31. he is ambitious to reach the goals he's set out to accomplish in his lifetime
32. he has experienced the loss of a loved one
33. he is spontaneous
34. he thinks about his relationships
35. he addresses relationship problems in a straight-forward way
36. he is proactive, not reactive
37. he deals with my moodiness well
38. he teaches me something new
39. he thinks fakeness is the most atrocious quality in another human besides having a penchant for the ruthless killing of innocent people
40. he knows how to text flirt
41. he's into doing it in a variety of positions and possibly places
42. he doesn't backseat drive
43. he is awed by my parallel parking
44. he doesn't make fun of the way asian people talk
45. he is gay-friendly
46. he is trans-friendly
47. he understands that depending what state we live in, I may need to wait to get married until my close community can as well
48. he wants to have kids
49. he doesn't mind that I make more money than he does and he wants to contribute to our life together in a meaningful way like helping to raise our children
50. he is hysterically funny
51. he dreams of owning a house
52. he doesn't want to live in the suburbs
53. he appreciates long walks
54. he is equally scared of the midwest
55. he will never suggest vacationing in Florida
56. he will bail his friends out of any situation
57. he owns a cell phone
58. he loves a good sunset, a bottle of wine, and me
59. he thinks "so i married an axe murderer" is great
60. he loves "dark crystal"
61. he is prepared to watch "lost" from start to finish on dvd with me when it's over in 2010
62. he acknowledges homeless people when he passes them on the street
63. he appreciates good customer service
64. he has a critical mind
65. he is a wordsmith
66. he opens doors for me on occasion
67. he pays on occasion
68. he knows that I love surprises
69. he suggests activities for us to do
70. he likes lists, especially crossing items off
71. he enjoys running errands with me
72. he carries the heavy stuff
73. he reaches things for me
74. he doesn't say "chick flick"
75. he doesn't want a traditional wedding
76. he isn't an evangelical christian
77. he thinks I'm sexiest without make-up
78. he appreciates that I am ambitious about my career
79. he shares covers
80. he likes to snuggle
81. he thinks I'm hilarious
82. he picks up new hobbies
83. he enjoys helping people
84. he thinks about his parents in their old age
85. he isn't money-driven
86. he finds things in me that I don't know are there and appreciates them
87. he has fond childhood memories
88. he is not afraid of therapy or self-medication
89. he buys me Trident Crystal Frost if he stumbles upon it
90. he remembers records, speak 'n spell, and Atari
91. his laundry smells good
92. his natural smell is good
93. he likes showering (with me)
94. he doesn't criticize my obsession with celebrity gossip
95. he is eager to commit and start a life with someone
96. he has a nickname for me and others
97. he pays his taxes
98. he knows when my period is and doesn't associate certain ill-fated behaviors to the three days
99. he has a healthy respect for doing things in moderation: eating, drinking, smoking, critiquing
100. he loves Sossy.

A new year.

Been listening to the Be Good Tanyas all day. Love this song, "Don't You Fall."

Don't you fall in love with me
Don't show me your affection
I can't give you what you want from me
I don't want the attention
I gave away my heart before
And it only caused me sorrow
How could I think of loving someone Today or tomorrow
(Chorus)
I've been so long confused
Was I loved or was I used?
Now the sun goes up and down
And the weather rains and shines
I lost my heart somewhere
Oh I need to take more time
Don't you fall in love with me
Don't show me your affection
I can't give you what you want from me
I don't want the attention
No I can't give you what you want from me
I don't want the attention

Wouldn't it be so much easier if we all thought with such clarity, and communicated accordingly? Just the statement along "I can't give you what you want from me" is so powerful. It requires such a sense of awareness, one that at least I don't walk around cultivating, and those I surround myself with don't either.

When I teach Situational Leadership, we talk about the different stages of Readiness. There are four stages, and theoretically, if one matches her leadership style to someone's readiness level, good things happen such as greater productivity at work, or having your significant other agree to make dinner every other night. We talk a lot about the difference between "ability" and "capability." In SL terms, even if someone is capable of completing a given task, if he is not demonstrating it before your eyes, he is "unable." That should have great bearing on what you do next in response.

If someone is unable, they can still be willing. Willingness may be an eagerness to demonstrate proficiency in something untested in other situations. Then again, they can also be unwilling. This is called "R1" with respect to readiness. In that situation, it helps to merely direct and instruct on what needs to happen, with little to no input from the R1 other than to say "Yes, I understand what you are asking me to do."

I believe in the potential of others. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, and hold onto the notion that someone's potential will manifest itself if given enough light, air, and water. But what if that doesn't work?

ugh. makes my head spin.

Twin Weddings

I have a theory. Try this. Take the Sunday NY Times Style section, flip past the pompous "Night out with" section where they follow some smug, priviledged, ex-frat boy-turned-avant garde artist around town, and go to the "Weddings & Celebrations" section. Now, open it up so you can see as many happy couples at once. Feel free to skip over the special one entitled "Vows." That one usually details some couple that thought they'd never find love again until he (the groom) was out at the last "Producers" show of the season and caught the eye of a woman who was unassumingly beautiful and just happened to drop her pashmina in the aisle next to him. Focus instead on the multitude of Ivy league bred, Hummer driving, matching seersucker short wearing couples. Do you notice anything about them?
They look alike!
Now, this trend crosses generations and ethnicities. It crosses seas and oceans, it crosses across all boundary lines that we like to hold dear to in our society. If you squint, and squint good, they hold something the same. A smile, the shape of their face, their hairline. Something.
It's both quite comforting and disturbing. It's comforting that despite millions of years of smug existence on the planet, at the end we gravitate towards those like us, on a purely instinctual level. Makes me feel like not all of our genes and senses have been fucked over yet.
It's highly disturbing as well however, that those fuckers find each other and can spend the however many minutes they stay married looking into their doppelganger's face with conviction that they done good.

Popping my Post-Grad Cherry

So I've dubbed a new term to describe what I feel the experience will be like when (at this point, truly "if") I get a job. It's called "Popping my Post-Grad Cherry" and I feel it is most appropriate. I'll tell you why. STARBUCKS WON'T HIRE ME TO BE A FUCKING BARISTA. Now, you may be reading this and saying to yourself "Well, I've heard that Starbucks actually has quite a rigorous hiring process" or "Starbucks DOES offer benefits to part-time employees so I'm sure there's tough competition" but hopefully you're as shocked as I was when I got the call telling me in the Starbucks tone one can only offer when they've worked for the company for over 10 years (that's right) "I gave the position to someone who seemed more committed to working here for a while."

The reason why her pseudo-tactful explanation irritated me so much is that she's right. I should have known better. I should have lied through my midget teeth, telling her ad nauseum of my allegiance to a lifelong career with the company that attempts to create a "premier culture." (see http://www.nytimes.com/2006/10/22/arts/22domi.html?th&emc=th) But instead what do I do? I sound like the world's biggest asshole and spell out the honest card of how I am looking for a job in my field but in an ideal world (note: this is where the bullshit starts) I would stay on part time after I get a job.


UGH.

so this seemingly minor transgression has left me bereft of any benefits and without my complimentary pound of weekly coffee.

and that is how I arrive at the "post -grad cherry" analogy. for really, that job will come. and maybe it will come in the everso familiar package of housewares and easy to assemble furniture, but someday I will be able to look back on this experience and say that the days and weeks and months (and if I get to years, shoot me) leading up to losing my post grad virginity and sigh with utter nostalgia.

probably not.

semantics

in the last 2 days I have been referred to as "passive" and "not sophisticated." in both contexts, there was no direct confrontation between myself and another, but it happened rather like this:

my friend, (referring to a group of like-minded friends): "I dunno. we're all pretty passive."
to which I responded, "I'm not passive!" and my friend had to reiterate that her idea of passivity really meant that I was non-confrontational. I think my objection to being called "passive" pretty much refutes her explanation but...

the other one happened today when my career coach told me that she was referring me for a job but did not think another job was appropriate for me because they were looking for someone "sophisticated." now, what she meant was someone who was ready to be some old white guy's right arm and he was apparently a real beast. so the more "sophisticated" in terms of project management experience, the better.

in both cases I am reminded at the importance of semantics and the subjectivity that goes along with interpreting words. I'm also reminded of the fact that lately I feel like crap. I am in a job hunting phase where I am constantly needing to define and prove myself.

this wouldn't feel so insane if I didn't also feel like that's how I'm spending all of my time. it's fucking exhausting and most days lately I just muddle through with some semblance of structure (whatever I can muster for the day).

I try not to let any apparent breakthroughs make me too high, and I try not to take each hit too hard. I'm trying to be somewhere in the middle. and for this non-passive and decidedly-not sophisticated person, that means most days I flounder and flop.

8 months

I met with a woman yesterday who told me to plan on an 8 month job hunt.

8 months.

it's amazing how much of my sense of self worth gets wrapped up in this process.

it's incredible to me that I could be doing this in 7 months.

it's crazy to think about what i used to do for a living, how there were days when I craved intellectual stimulation so bad I could taste it, where I thought if only I had the courage to leave and go to school.

I left. I left somewhat bitter. unhappy that after investing 9+ years into a company, I left without leaving much of an imprint on my colleagues.

And while school satiated my need to buy school supplies and gave me time to breathe and think and change my course, I'm here, plugging away, and unemployed.

Most days I feel like a watering can that was poked with holes, so I spend my time trying to keep water from shooting out from any one hole at any one time.

that metaphor really just means I feel like an asshole most of the time. It's difficult to ask people for things. without feeling needy. and stupid. and pathetic.

I try to care for myself. I try to read interesting things. cook a lot. exercise. I could meditate more.

I'm a boring fuck, really.

some days I don't feel in touch with my surroundings. like I'm wrapped in rubber casing.

other days I feel great. a great conversation, a great spinning class, time with beloveds.

today's not one of those days. yesterday wasn't either.

Apparently it's Motown Friday

Sitting at my 'puter just now (8:40 am) when I hear "She's some kinda wonderful/yes she is" loudly blaring outside my window. For a brief nanosecond I lapse into Lloyd Dobler land and I think maybe, just maybe, AJ is standing outside of our window holding a massive boom box and wearing a trench, playing that song for me "just cuz." obviously I had not finished my coffee yet so a major lapse in judgement was had. oh no, this was a Cambridge WORKS employee driving up to remove the temporary no parking signs from the street because now our new neighboors have moved in. So of course I get up from my chair (coffee in hand) to watch this shit go down. not only is this song BLASTING, but he wants everyone to know about it. the construction men working on the condo next door to me that I'll never afford--he keeps looking at them as he walks everso slowly to remove the ONE lone sign hanging on a post. the slight red haired lady walking in the street instead of on the sidewalk? he looks at her too. he wants to make sure that she knows, as well as the rest of the Cambridge community, that he works FOR the works, dammit and if he wants to play motown so loudly that my windows shake, so be it.